Ok, my first REAL blog in three months! I am on the verge of shifting a major pattern! I am entering into a new phase of trust, peace and relaxation. Ok, last year I wrote a blog entitled River Walks aka Ready for My Man. I spoke about doing a process/ritual to attract a new love to me. What I never spoke about is the fact that it worked! (sort of, giggle) After three weeks of going to the river every Friday with my five oranges, and laying out to Oshun my list of wants and needs in a man, one did come to me! It was someone who I already knew but hadn’t really thought twice about. But one night, he appeared and with the right music (and the right drink, lol) I saw him with new eyes and we entered a new relationship as lovers.
At the beginning, I found a connection I had not experienced with many of the men I’ve been with. What most attracts me to a man is intelligence and he was simply brilliant but also fun! So many brothers in the cultural community tend to be stuffy and dry as rocks but we could talk about anything from Marcus Garvey to Lil Wayne all while sipping on some Bacardi rum. After one of our early sexual experiences, I experienced going into trance and damn near was speaking in tongues! So safe to say, this connection was deep. Everything was flowing great, well except for one little thing. He was not ready for a committed relationship. He was very clear about this. I thought fine, I am going to enjoy it for what it is. My goal for last year was to become sexually uninhibited so this was the perfect relationship to explore my goal. But as we know, with sex comes hormones (I blogged about this too!) and after a certain amount of time, it is not just sex.
So as we kept up the relationship, I always had an underlying sense of foreboding and being ill at ease. The main fear was that he would end the relationship. Every time I texted him, I always had this fear of rejection since we had no official title. Not only did I care for the man, I admired him as a person. But I was not going to pressure him into a relationship since I know that pressuring a man is no good. As time went on, he asked me if I could do “open” as in “open relationship”. I told him I could (in fact that’s what I wanted) and he said he was seeing another person. Ok, fine I was also talking to other men. Everything was all good for another few months until I found out he was having a New Year’s Eve party and I was not invited. Why? Because the other woman would be there. (It was also her birthday). This is when things started to change….
I was extremely upset. Mostly because over the six months of us dealing with each other we have never been on a date. He always claimed it was financial and I didn’t really press the issue because I cared more about just spending time with him. But I was beginning to feel closeted. I will admit, at the beginning I did not want people to know about us. I didn’t want folks in “my business” but I felt slighted. In truth he hadn’t really done anything wrong and was free to do as he chose but feelings of jealousy began to creep in.
I moved passed it and we continued seeing each other but over the next few months I was thrown curve ball after curve ball and I struck out. I won’t go into all the details but some highlights include running into the two of them at a club (I was also on a date but with no one I actually cared about), him seeing me hugged up with someone else at a mutual event, somehow ending up at the chicks house during an unplanned get together and having a drunken argument with my lover during my birthday party about the relationship. I was hurt and angry that number one, she did not know about me and was clueless about the relationship him and I were having (that’s NOT open!), number two we still had not been on a date and number three, I’m flyer than her anyway! (Whoops! Ego slip!) Scratch three.
Abraham Hicks Video: How to Let Go Someone You Love
VERY insightful and helpful :) please watch
I tried to pressure him into telling me why he had not told her, and all I got was that it was complicated and a non-assuring assurance that he would. The situation felt grimey to me, especially after I had been in the chick's house. In his defiance of feeling pressured he asked me what if he did not tell her? What would I do? What if we were just friends, no sex? I asked him if that was what he wanted and he said he appreciated our friendship but did not want arguments like we had at the party. He felt as if I was trying to control him. The last time we were together, I left feeling unsatisfied, unclear and disappointed. This lasted a few hours until I had some sudden realizations. The universe was unfolding absolutely perfectly and I was getting everything I needed!
My lover who seemingly was being a jerk and causing me so much pain was simply my mirror reflecting me to me! As I have spoke of before, I am an avid JujuMama Progressive Love member and while going through this shituation, I completed a process called the three-way mirror with Kenya K. Stevens (ok, I know this sounds like a commercial but this is real spit I promise you!!!). The purpose of the 3-way mirror is to show you EXACTLY why we attract the people we are in relationship with. So here goes how and why I attracted my lover…get ready, I’m coming to sit on your couch….
Growing up my mother was not affectionate, I mean she was damn near masculine in her energy. Single mothers, hard working Black women do not often have much time for love or softness for their children. As soon as she would get in the house she went on a tirade cursing about what we needed to do and how come the dishes were not washed etc. I never heard ‘I love you’ from her lips until I was well into my teens. So basically, growing up my mother was not emotionally responsive to me and in times of stress or need I did not feel comfortable to go cry on her shoulder or even expect a shoulder. I did not know it then but a pattern was being set about my expectations from the men (my mother being in her masculine) I truly cared about. From the boy who threatened to throw a pencil at me in kindergarten because I told his twin sister I liked him, to the gay guy I fell in love with at NYU, to my dear lover whom I’m blogging about---all the men I’ve felt really, really passionate about have always been unavailable to me because that has been my subconscious expectation.
You see, this is not about him and this other girl, this about me. One of my goals for this year is to be in a committed relationship with someone I feel passionate about, who equally feels the same passion for me. However, before I can enter or be ready for this partnership, I must shift some patterns about me and what I expect from men! This relationship was the PERFECT one to assist me in doing that because I did not even know this pattern was functioning in my life! My lover reflected me in so many ways, he was my fear of being ‘owned’ and not wanting a relationship in the first place (where I was last year), my lack of direct communication and fear of uncomfortable conversations and even my fear of exposure—I was also sleeping with somebody else and while he knew, I never had a very direct conversation with him about it, this he brought to my attention. In short, HE is ME--my curriculum from the Universe to guide me in the expansion of myself, not just so I can get a “man” but so I can become a more evolved being. Sorry to say, but HE is almost irrelevant. He is vapor, thin air, maya; he is my creation…What I want is coming to me, period. As I change, and grow he will either change and grow or move out the way for someone else who is more of a reflection of what I want.
Abraham Hicks video called "The Perfect Mate" short and sweet!
As these realizations came to me, I literally became flooded with feelings of bliss and love. I wrote these words,
“I am soooo thankful for my lover___________________, showing up and helping me to shift my patterns. I now expect responsiveness from men. I expect the men I choose to choose me back! I am now at peace, comfortable and confident in tense conversations with my men. He is teaching me to be open, communicative and clear. He is showing me how to love unconditionally and to work though my jealousy. I love him and I love every man I’ve been with! I am happy for the contrast! I can be, do or have whatever I want! I fully step into a committed relationship with my perfect partner with my arms and heart open!”
Then I wrote and thanked every single man I’ve been with for the ‘gifts’ they gave me, what I learned about myself in those relationships. Last night, I took a bubble bath by candlelight and went through my list again and thanked every man for every lesson. I also typed up the good qualities I’ve found in my men and created a recipe for the Universe to combine them into a “master man”, perfect partner just for me!
Now I won’t pretend I no longer think of my lover and feel angry or jealous but I work to get back in alignment. This relationship has allowed to me surf from the heights of ecstasy, to the pits of anguish. I have expanded exponentially in spirit; while performing a healing dance, I had a flash of insight about a past life he and I shared and how it is affecting us now. This has NEVER happened before and I now, more than ever feel the power of my spirit! How could I not love this man? He has been a great catalyst for my growth. I know now whomever I do enter into a relationship with, he will be getting a better more expanded version of me. He too will reflect some pattern, be my reflection and will cause me to expand and grow. For this is life, this is love.
Beautiful explanation of what LOVE really is and Tantra....
