I sit in my room tonight watching City of God, a movie about
the slums in Brazil. Despite the rain falling, the bass of the reggae music
from a party on the beach presses its’ breast against my room’s walls, and I
can hear its’ heartbeat.Overall,
today has been quiet. Did a yoga class, and walked to the market; bought some
rum, peanut butter cookies, mango juice and drank sweet water fresh from the
coconut. I had lunch on the beach, homemade for me by my new-found Jamaican
friend, “Wayne” (who’s real name is Dwight but it seems a lot of Jamaican men
go by the nickname Wayne…).
At the beach, the gray sky was brewing a thunderstorm and
Oya (Goddess of the wind) was swirling the air around us. Wayne tells me how
much he wants me to “sit on his face”. (Something I’ve been hearing a lot
lately from the men who approach me). He is happy to dispel the myth that Jamaican men "don't go down" and tells me that when I come back to
Jamaica, I can stay with him. He will do everything for me, the only thing I’d
have to do is shower and brush my teeth, and he might do that as well. Sounds
great maybe….but would have to happen next time. Sitting on someone’s face is
not why I’m here. I can do that in Brooklyn…
I arrived yesterday and spent the day at the beach. The eighty-degree
weather thawed every icy part of me. I sat transfixed by the shore and felt the
vortex of Jamaica pull me further. The first waves to touch my feet felt chilly
but the deeper I went, the warmer it got. I was mesmerized by the aquamarine
water, the smooth sand between my toes and the feel of the sun rays bronzing my
brown skin. The waves crashed in time like someone was under water playing a
huge instrument called, “sea”. I had an all-natural spa treatment as I rubbed
sand all over my body and exfoliated myself. I said prayers and sang
intermittently to Yemaya (Mother Goddess of the ocean). At times, I felt myself trying to push into an
experience, “remember this
affirmation, visualize what you want”
but then I would relax into being. Stop “doing” and just “be”. I’ve come here
with no objective yet a purpose, to just “be”. Some folks frowned when I told
them I was coming by myself. Couldn’t
I dig up some man from somewhere and get him to come with me? Others called me
“Stella” and assumed I was coming to engage in hedonism. All untrue. Yes, as I
sit here in my room alone, I think about Wayne’s offer to be my new seat
cushion. I think how nice it would be to make love in this room, have big
strong Jamaican arms hold me as I gyrate my hips to the sound of the ocean but
that will all have to come next time. I’ve come here to just “be”. I knew as
sure as I know my name that this trip was about me coming by myself to “be”
with myself.
This is my gift, my treat. My making love to my own soul by
feeding it what I want. Right now, I
just want to relax and be at peace, feel the sun and warm moist air kiss my
skin.Be quiet and talk to no one
if I choose to. Flirt on the beach if I want to with no obligation. I have so
many ideas bubbling and bursting through me I need space to let them fly. I’ve
come to think about them but not too much. I have no objective you see. All I
desire is time and space, a vacuum to let something in.
Tomorrow, I go on a trip to the river and waterfalls to do some touristy
stuff. It is my last day here and I am enjoying the beauty of nothingness. In
yoga class today, the instructor talked about going over the edge while in a
pose and coming back just a little to release the place of tension with the
breath. This trip is a yoga for my soul. It is the in between place of stretch
and tension. It is a breath for my body. A place where I loose myself in an
ocean of pointless existence.
All around the world this is recognized as a holy time of
year. While some would seek to have us caught up in consumerism and the
continuous equation of love with money, many understand the spiritual underpinnings
of this time. This year in particular with the end of the Mayan calendar and a
5,125 year cycle coming to a close, has prompted talk of the apocalypse and
meditations chanting OM around the globe.
I myself have been fasting, as I always do around the Winter
Solstice. The Winter Solstice marks the darkest time of the year (“sol” means “sun”
and “sistere” means to “stand still”) and the most extreme yin (feminine
energy) part of the year. Around December 21st, the sun reaches it's maximum distance from the equator and stays at the same degree of declination for three days. It is a great time to fast, mediate and pray. I started my fast on Tuesday, though not intentional.
I woke up and my body told me, “It’s time to cleanse now.” So I started with
some lemon water and fruit for breakfast. Now, I have to confess, I did cheat
because one of my loved beloved students offered me an organic brownie that day
and it tasted great going down but half an hour later I felt nauseous so I’ve
been steady on my fasting horse ever since then.It is now day 5 and I feel great. Gradually, I’ve been
cutting back what I’ve been eating, starting with fruit and one meal of brown
rice and kale a day, up until yesterday when all I had were oranges and water.
Monday will be the last day and it will be all water.
I gathered with some Goddesses last night and had a release
ceremony where we burned those things when did not want to take with us into
2013 and spoke aloud what we intended to bring with us into the New Year. It
was very powerful and I encourage everyone no matter what they celebrate to use
this sacred time to release and clear that which you do not want and focus on
what you do want. I could feel the presence of my ancestors last night during
the ceremony and my crown chakra literally opening and buzzing. As we meditated,
I understood why the ancients fasted and meditated. When I closed my eyes my
mind was so clear, clear because my body was not caught up in trying to digest
food. As a matter of fact last night, I did not even eat oranges but drank
coconut water. Most of the time I do not feel hungry nor get headaches or
anything.
I want to take this time to celebrate all the wonderful
things that have happened for me in 2012:
1.I gave birth to my first book, Goddess Pages:
Honey, Full Moons and Daggers.
3.I performed more times this year than any other
year in my life.
4.I took an amazing class with an artist whose
work I respect tremendously and fell in love with my craft again.
5.I collaborated with many other artists and
created wonderful work.
6.I truly learned my value as a woman and let go a
relationship that no longer served me while keeping the valuable lessons and
love.
7.I participated in NYFA’s Artist as Entrepreneur
Boot Camp and learned great things about the business side of the arts.
8.I began a women’s circle at my home called The
Goddess Party and have had 3 amazing soul stirring gatherings.
9.I experienced wonderful lovers who brought
healing to me. (Have to share 2 examples, 1. Singing to the Goddess Oshun while
inside me 2. Performing acupuncture and moxa on me prior to lovemaking.
Yessssss!)
10.I
taught my first workshop on Sacred Sexuality and designed an online course.
11.Enrolled
my son in African Djembe drumming, Afrkan Scouts and Capoiera and experienced
the joy of a child who loves his culture.
This coming year I have many plans
including visiting Haiti and Jamaica, undergoing spiritual initiations, making
a music video and finishing my novel. I am so thankful and grateful for 2012,
it was an amazing year and has let me know that the possibilities we create for
ourselves our endless. When I look back at where I was a year ago, stressed about money and a man I celebrate where I am right now. I have not had to worry about money in a year and have no man drama whatsoever! I am a thankful for the cleansings! The lessons we learn are even greater than the material
things we receive. I encourage everyone to celebrate all that has gone right and
stay both excited and focused on our bright paths in the future. Happy New
Year! May it be orgasmic! Namaste.
If I could backtrack to myself a year ago today, I would
tell myself that it always gets better and not to shed one single tear of
worry. Tears of release yes, tears of healing yes, tears of bliss yes, but not
tears of distress or fear. This past year, I have learned to let go and
release; that when you do, you open to the expansion that the universe has for
you and it is always, always better than what you are letting go….
See about a year ago, I was spending time with someone who I
really wanted to “be with”. Not that I thought he was “the one”, I let go of
that concept a long time ago. I really admired and had a great time with him.
He connected to a deep aspect of my soul and intellect that most men do not
understand. But he was unavailable, to me any way. But apparently, I had some
lessons to learn from this relationship (check my blog Mirror Mirror on the
Wall for more details) because I carried on with him anyway. Long story short,
I realized that his unavailability reflected my own belief about men not being
able to show up for me. (You always attract what you are!) It took a lot of
emotional turmoil, and release for me to break through that pattern, but I
believe I’ve come out on the other side wiser, and grateful that he and I did
not wind up together in the end. I am actually relieved!
This September, as the Fall season is creeping in, I am
becoming reflective, thinking about where I was a year ago and how I’ve grown.
Last year around this time I had so much anxiety around this relationship. Are
we going to be together? Are we not? Is he seeing other people? Does he really
like me? All questions really rooted in fear and insecurity. I went through ten
months of ups and downs trying to hold on and hoping that he would “choose
me”.As time went on, I started to
really see and contemplate what I really want in a partner. Though my lover was
awesome, there were some aspects of him that I truly did not want to be a part
of my life. I knew in the end,
that he in fact could never truly satisfy me. I let him go. Of course though,
when we release our emotional tension around something and stop trying to force
results, it often comes back of it’s own accord. After letting him go, he has made
attempts to hang out, have sex with me etc. and it feels great to say no. Not
“no” because I want to be vindictive (though it does feel good, shit I’m human)
but because I want and desire better. Matter of fact, I am getting better...
Since letting my lover go, I have had the chance to
experience other men that feed me in rich and deep ways. Though my lover was
intuitive and knowledgeable, he did not have a spiritual practice and often did
not “get” why I did certain things. I met a young man recently who is cute, fun
and has an active spiritual practice, in fact he can teach me some things (and
he has, lol)! I realize now the beauty of having a deep spiritual connection
with a partner. The lovemaking I experienced with him far surpasses any
experience I’ve had with any other lover. When making love to him, I felt as if
I was making love to myself, it was a dance in which there was no thought only
the flow of energy. Being a student of tantra, I will often circulate energy
between my lovers and I but with him, no effort was needed; energy circulated,
spun, dipped and overflowed. It was AMAZING!
In fact, every other man that I’ve experienced since letting
go has been amazing in their own way. Every where I go men come to me desiring
to take me out on dates, spend time with me, travel long distances to see me
and give of themselves to me. Now, I could say this is because I’m cute or have
a nice butt, however there are plenty of attractive women who unfortunately are
alone. More than anything, it is the energy I feel that acts as a magnetic pull
to what shows up in my life. I realized the affirmation, “This or something far
greater,” is very true. Often times life is trying to expand us into something
far greater and we are holding onto something old thinking, “This is it!” when
in fact, it can always get BETTER! I refuse to bend myself out of shape ever
again trying to force anything or anybody. I no longer believe in having a plan
“B”, it is either plan “A” or “A+”!
Though my ex-lover is great and amazing, there are others
out there who are far greater for me. If I had stayed shut down, thinking he
was the end all--be all, I would have never experienced the transformative love making of my
new lover.And guess what? If my
new lover decides something else is better for him, then he too will be
replaced by someone even BETTER than him for me and so on. (The thought of that
really blows my mind cause he’s good!
Lol!) I believe the Universe is planning for me to win! I believe that men are
good and plentiful and everywhere I turn there is a man who wants to please me
and give to me! I believe life is conspiring for my expansion and for me to
live the greatest and fullest life possible! I know that is either this or something far greater!
Great video from Abraham Hicks!
There is never the lost of a relationship but the gaining of new one!
Ok, it’s been a really, really, really long time since my
last blog! I haven’t published since April on this website, but I have been
busy. This is what I’ve been up to: in May I had a show or performance
practically every weekend, June was the last month of school and it was a mad
dash to the last day, which in New York is damn near July 1st!
Oh, and I published my poetry
book! Get it here:
I also took a spoken word performance workshop for 4 weeks
with the amazing Lemon Andersen who was a part of the Tony award-winning cast of
Def Poetry Jam on Broadway. Taking this class has inspired me to start writing
my solo show, which has been on my brain since 1999!!! Also this past weekend, I
was chosen to participate in the New York Foundation for the Arts', Artist as
Entrepreneur Boot Camp at NYU. I got to learn about fun stuff like grant
writing, branding and copyright law. So, yes I have been BUSY!!! It’s
really, really amazing because all these things reflect one of my major goals
for 2012, to be a successful artist and entrepreneur. After years of praying,
hoping, and wanting, things are lining up in a major way. I can say I am both
proud and thankful of what is happening in my life….So if all of these amazing things are popping off, why is
this blog called, “Where’s My Shit?!!”
Come on, you know what’s missing, get
out the violin…..Where’s My Man!!
WAAAHHHHAAAAA!! (Rihanna voice: "I've been everywhere, looking for you babe...."). About a year ago, I wrote a blog called, “River Walking AKA
Ready for My Man” in which I revealed how after years of enjoying being single, I
wanted a relationship. I subsequently did ritual river walks to meditate and
pray so I could attract my man to me. I would say it worked, sort of. I did
attract somebody (well, I attracted somebodies lol) but there was one that
stood out. I won’t rehash it all here but you can read some of the details in
my last blog, “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.” After one last blow up in May, he
told me that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I was cool with it because I
realized he was absolutely right, though before I chose not to see it. He could
not give me what I wanted and apparently, I couldn’t give him what he wanted
either. Sweet, I learned a lot--peace be with you.
In the absence of that unnamed thing he and I had, of course
I have attracted and dated others (I never stopped dating others really). Then
a couple of weeks ago, one guy I’d been seeing broke my number one,
unforgivable cardinal rule. The rule that my mama told me never to tolerate, he
did a No Call No Show! Gasp! And I became flooded with all this anger built up
from the ghost of men past. I started telling myself the story that men are
unreliable. I even went through every man in my mind from my father to this
lil’ twenty-one year old and I affirmed to myself, Men just don’t keep their word. All men do this! All men disappoint me!!!
WAAAAHHHWAAAAHHHH!”
I was done!!! Hear me, DONE!!! But even as I was playing out
this emotion, I knew the only place I could fix this is from within. So my
girlfriends and I went to the beach. As a juju woman, I know the beach is a
major source of healing. I believe we all know
this ancient knowledge in our beings, which is why the shores are flooded with people every
summer and folks go running to the islands to vacation. So I bought some blue
flowers and went to the ocean to speak to the Mother spirit, some call her
Yemaya, others call her Auset or Isis.
I told her that I was frustrated with
these impostor men. I asked her to heal whatever it was within me that
attracted these unreliable men to me and to shift my perspective so that I
stopped expecting to be disappointed by men. She told me this,
“I am the mother of
all. Everything is my child, all come from me. The tears you cry are not just
from you, they are from your mother and her mother. Tears of disappointment
about not getting what you want. Everyone will disappoint you. Only spirit will
never disappoint. You are seeking because you know the true nature of your
spirit is whole. Life is supposed to be fun and enjoyable but the desire is
never for the thing but for completeness. Say this, ‘I am made whole by the
being of my source and mother of all living things….”
Yemaya’s words plus the feeling of the waves washing over me
filled me with a sweet harmony; I was in tune with all happening outside and
inside of me. I took some ocean
water back with me in a container so I could bathe with it for the next few
days and continue to heal myself.
One thing I now recognize is all of this is a process. Being
a goal-oriented person, I want my shit now! Especially when I see results in
other areas of my life. But thanks to a conversation with a great coach and the
words of Yemaya, I am reframing how I picture progress toward my goals. I am becoming at peace with the process
and ever expanding along the way. Ultimately, the only true relationship I control
is the one I have with myself and it is from here that all others reflect and
derive.
Great video from Abraham Hicks about changing perspective about relationships..
Mirror mirror 'not' on the wall but in the eyes of all I meet... Thank you for showing me who I am. This is love, this is growth, this is sweet. -Ahahai Hudley
Ok, my first REAL blog in three months! I am on the verge of shifting a major pattern! I am entering into a new phase of trust, peace and relaxation. Ok, last year I wrote a blog entitled River Walks aka Ready for My Man. I spoke about doing a process/ritual to attract a new love to me. What I never spoke about is the fact that it worked! (sort of, giggle) After three weeks of going to the river every Friday with my five oranges, and laying out to Oshun my list of wants and needs in a man, one did come to me! It was someone who I already knew but hadn’t really thought twice about. But one night, he appeared and with the right music (and the right drink, lol) I saw him with new eyes and we entered a new relationship as lovers.
At the beginning, I found a connection I had not experienced with many of the men I’ve been with. What most attracts me to a man is intelligence and he was simply brilliant but also fun! So many brothers in the cultural community tend to be stuffy and dry as rocks but we could talk about anything from Marcus Garvey to Lil Wayne all while sipping on some Bacardi rum. After one of our early sexual experiences, I experienced going into trance and damn near was speaking in tongues! So safe to say, this connection was deep. Everything was flowing great, well except for one little thing. He was not ready for a committed relationship. He was very clear about this. I thought fine, I am going to enjoy it for what it is. My goal for last year was to become sexually uninhibited so this was the perfect relationship to explore my goal. But as we know, with sex comes hormones (I blogged about this too!) and after a certain amount of time, it is not just sex.
So as we kept up the relationship, I always had an underlying sense of foreboding and being ill at ease. The main fear was that he would end the relationship. Every time I texted him, I always had this fear of rejection since we had no official title. Not only did I care for the man, I admired him as a person. But I was not going to pressure him into a relationship since I know that pressuring a man is no good. As time went on, he asked me if I could do “open” as in “open relationship”. I told him I could (in fact that’s what I wanted) and he said he was seeing another person. Ok, fine I was also talking to other men. Everything was all good for another few months until I found out he was having a New Year’s Eve party and I was not invited. Why? Because the other woman would be there. (It was also her birthday). This is when things started to change….
I was extremely upset. Mostly because over the six months of us dealing with each other we have never been on a date. He always claimed it was financial and I didn’t really press the issue because I cared more about just spending time with him. But I was beginning to feel closeted. I will admit, at the beginning I did not want people to know about us. I didn’t want folks in “my business” but I felt slighted. In truth he hadn’t really done anything wrong and was free to do as he chose but feelings of jealousy began to creep in.
I moved passed it and we continued seeing each other but over the next few months I was thrown curve ball after curve ball and I struck out. I won’t go into all the details but some highlights include running into the two of them at a club (I was also on a date but with no one I actually cared about), him seeing me hugged up with someone else at a mutual event, somehow ending up at the chicks house during an unplanned get together and having a drunken argument with my lover during my birthday party about the relationship. I was hurt and angry that number one, she did not know about me and was clueless about the relationship him and I were having (that’s NOT open!), number two we still had not been on a date and number three, I’m flyer than her anyway! (Whoops! Ego slip!) Scratch three.
Abraham Hicks Video: How to Let Go Someone You Love
VERY insightful and helpful :) please watch
I tried to pressure him into telling me why he had not told her, and all I got was that it was complicated and a non-assuring assurance that he would. The situation felt grimey to me, especially after I had been in the chick's house. In his defiance of feeling pressured he asked me what if he did not tell her? What would I do? What if we were just friends, no sex? I asked him if that was what he wanted and he said he appreciated our friendship but did not want arguments like we had at the party. He felt as if I was trying to control him. The last time we were together, I left feeling unsatisfied, unclear and disappointed. This lasted a few hours until I had some sudden realizations. The universe was unfolding absolutely perfectly and I was getting everything I needed!
My lover who seemingly was being a jerk and causing me so much pain was simply my mirror reflecting me to me! As I have spoke of before, I am an avid JujuMama Progressive Love member and while going through this shituation, I completed a process called the three-way mirror with Kenya K. Stevens (ok, I know this sounds like a commercial but this is real spit I promise you!!!). The purpose of the 3-way mirror is to show you EXACTLY why we attract the people we are in relationship with. So here goes how and why I attracted my lover…get ready, I’m coming to sit on your couch….
Growing up my mother was not affectionate, I mean she was damn near masculine in her energy. Single mothers, hard working Black women do not often have much time for love or softness for their children. As soon as she would get in the house she went on a tirade cursing about what we needed to do and how come the dishes were not washed etc. I never heard ‘I love you’ from her lips until I was well into my teens. So basically, growing up my mother was not emotionally responsive to me and in times of stress or need I did not feel comfortable to go cry on her shoulder or even expect a shoulder. I did not know it then but a pattern was being set about my expectations from the men (my mother being in her masculine) I truly cared about. From the boy who threatened to throw a pencil at me in kindergarten because I told his twin sister I liked him, to the gay guy I fell in love with at NYU, to my dear lover whom I’m blogging about---all the men I’ve felt really, really passionate about have always been unavailable to me because that has been my subconscious expectation.
You see, this is not about him and this other girl, this about me. One of my goals for this year is to be in a committed relationship with someone I feel passionate about, who equally feels the same passion for me. However, before I can enter or be ready for this partnership, I must shift some patterns about me and what I expect from men! This relationship was the PERFECT one to assist me in doing that because I did not even know this pattern was functioning in my life! My lover reflected me in so many ways, he was my fear of being ‘owned’ and not wanting a relationship in the first place (where I was last year), my lack of direct communication and fear of uncomfortable conversations and even my fear of exposure—I was also sleeping with somebody else and while he knew, I never had a very direct conversation with him about it, this he brought to my attention. In short, HE is ME--my curriculum from the Universe to guide me in the expansion of myself, not just so I can get a “man” but so I can become a more evolved being. Sorry to say, but HE is almost irrelevant. He is vapor, thin air, maya; he is my creation…What I want is coming to me, period. As I change, and grow he will either change and grow or move out the way for someone else who is more of a reflection of what I want.
Abraham Hicks video called "The Perfect Mate" short and sweet!
As these realizations came to me, I literally became flooded with feelings of bliss and love. I wrote these words,
“I am soooo thankful for my lover___________________, showing up and helping me to shift my patterns. I now expect responsiveness from men. I expect the men I choose to choose me back! I am now at peace, comfortable and confident in tense conversations with my men. He is teaching me to be open, communicative and clear. He is showing me how to love unconditionally and to work though my jealousy. I love him and I love every man I’ve been with! I am happy for the contrast! I can be, do or have whatever I want! I fully step into a committed relationship with my perfect partner with my arms and heart open!”
Then I wrote and thanked every single man I’ve been with for the ‘gifts’ they gave me, what I learned about myself in those relationships. Last night, I took a bubble bath by candlelight and went through my list again and thanked every man for every lesson. I also typed up the good qualities I’ve found in my men and created a recipe for the Universe to combine them into a “master man”, perfect partner just for me!
Now I won’t pretend I no longer think of my lover and feel angry or jealous but I work to get back in alignment. This relationship has allowed to me surf from the heights of ecstasy, to the pits of anguish. I have expanded exponentially in spirit; while performing a healing dance, I had a flash of insight about a past life he and I shared and how it is affecting us now. This has NEVER happened before and I now, more than ever feel the power of my spirit! How could I not love this man? He has been a great catalyst for my growth. I know now whomever I do enter into a relationship with, he will be getting a better more expanded version of me. He too will reflect some pattern, be my reflection and will cause me to expand and grow. For this is life, this is love.
Beautiful explanation of what LOVE really is and Tantra....
I haven't blogged in a really, really long time. Not because I do not have anything to say or because nothing's going on. I do have one excuse, I've been working to finalize my new poetry book which should be out in a month. Yay!! The other reason is that I've had many ups and downs over the past few months and while I normally feel comfortable with puking my guts on the page, right now I'm not there yet. I try to make sure each of my blogs have a "message" (cue Keenan Ivory Waynes in Don't Be a Menace... ) but this time, I'm not quite show what the "message" I want to convey is, or what nuance I want to focus on. So when I figure that out, I will let you know. For now, yesterday was my birthday and I wrote a poem about it so if you'd like to hear it, here it go!!
March 10th 1981
I cracked open the sky
'tween my motha's legs
She said I brought her
the most pain
2 days
49 hours
one month and 3 days overdue
Epidural failed
birth was slow and hard
But I came
a red wailing siren
chromosomes chained in poetry
Heart splintered,
weeping violins
I breathed
a thousand lifetimes of knowing
I've been an alien
conducting surgery
in space
A sacred whore in Kemet
in love with a king
A flower temple dancer
in India with henna kissed palms
A priestess of Yemaya rolling
cowrie shells into the ocean
An Inuit man diving Alaskan waters
fishing for freedom
A baby choking on shark teeth
thrown from a slave ship
If you cut me open
counted my earth rings
You would measure me
ten thousand seasons
Don't be fooled
by this soft smile
and vegetarian face
I am aged in light years
The only youth I carry
is in my tears
Babies born with every fistful
of heartache
Every joy splitting
me open
till I am meaty and tender
Recognize this birth
but know
I am sand
passing through
the fingers of time
The moon's song
rumbling a tide
A clock springing
forward into the lap
of eternity
Had an AHA moment recently….these have be coming steadily this year as I’ve eased into 30. At first, I kind of dreaded having to close the door on my twenties, but now I am sitting comfortable and pretty in 30. (Sidebar: I’ve also been attracting younger men lately who all tell me in shock, “Wow! You look good for your age!” HA!) Anyway, as I ripen in age, I’ve realized something about myself that I need to lay to rest. A part of me, collecting dust over time and not holding much use. She has pigtails and a kool-aid smile. I call her “Good Girl” and this chick has to go!
It began for me as a child. You would have loved to have me as your daughter or student! I was quiet, dutiful and very smart. My mother loved to brag on me too, “Yes, Tameka is ALWAYS on the honor roll! She never gets anything less than a B!”I loved standing out for doing “the right thing”. I loved getting attention for being right so I worked really, really hard at being the best good girl around. My teachers said go to college, so I went. Not only did I go, I went to one of the best and most expensive colleges around, NYU. Preacher said that Jesus said don’t have sex unless you’re married, so I stayed a virgin a long ass time and married the first man I had sex with!
I was driven by a need to be recognized as “good” in the eyes of others and also to master whatever the standard for good was. I’m a Pisces so we have this uncanny ability to melt and merge with others, which is why we make such great actors and artists. The issue comes when we are so busy merging and melting, that we loose sight of what we want….
This really came to heads for me when I was trying to decide to leave my marriage. I was looking for some outside authority to tell me that it was ok. What if I made a mistake? What if I ruined my life and even worst, my son’s? What if I am WRONG! Gasp! This good girl cannot be wrong! I’ve always gotten it right! I cannot tell you how many spiritual readings I had trying to get a clue into my decision. Every oracle, medium pointed the divination back to me. It is up to you, they said. You must decide and once you decide the great forces around you will back up your decision. Hunh? How could this be? I was looking for someone else to tell me, some textbook, some scripture to let me know what to do. But it could not…
So, for the first time I was forced to not be “good” but just be true…So, that was three years ago and I made the right decision for me. However, lately I’ve been noticing how I still have some of this “good girl” complex and a fear of getting it wrong. This complex has had me running around thinking it’s about reading this book or taking this class or following what the 'great-so and so' said.Whatever system I plug myself into, I go hard and try to perfect it to a T…Afterall, shining and being the best has always gotten me the limelight….But no more. I no longer care if I get it wrong, or if anyone else agrees. Fact is, I can’t get it wrong; it’s life and everything is a new experience to learn from.
So I’ve decided to the kill the good girl. Yup, this goody-two shoes bitch got to go! I kill the need to seek authorities outside of myself and for others to validate what I am doing. Yes, I will continue to take in information, seek elders, read books etc. but I will always ask myself what do I think, what is it I want. I will be the final authority over what is going on in my life. I will not try and fit some mold and be “perfect” within it. I will not bend to the expectations of what others think I should be.
It is so refreshing not to feel bound to a group or a single ideology of what one should or should not do. Today, I spent time walking through the mall and thought honestly about what I like.... I like to wear tights and I’m going to buy me some with leopard print. I like vegetarian food and being a “granola” but I will eat me a reese’s cup if I want to. I love the arts and being an artist but don’t think it is particularly creative to starve. I will make lots of money from my art. I love my juju-vodu-law-of-attraction-what-the-fuck-is-she-talking-about-mumbo-jumbo and it's fine if you don't get it or believe in it.....I will do a photoshoot...in the nude. I will talk about Harriet Tubman and sex in the same sentence. I am creating my own rules and will bend or break them as I please.
