On Being Open….(A Treaty of Love )
The sovereign republic of Shepsa Godwombman aka Tameka Jones hereby declares in this treaty of love that all former boundary lines set up by the ego for protection are now eradicated. Henceforth, those members within the republic (heart, soul, mind, body) will open their borders for commerce, allowing free and open trade with the members of other sovereignties. The imports and exports of love, truth, authenticity and passion shall be duty free and unlimited.
One of my goals for this year (via Juju Mama Cn365 program. Check jujumamablog.com) is that I want to become uninhibited in my intimate relationships with men. I think when I first created that goal I was just thinking about sex. I wanted to become a better freak! I know it was more than that but I wanted to experience pure freedom in the bedroom. What I realize now is that intimacy is not just about the physical sharing but the emotional and spiritual share. I know, I’m a woman so this is supposed to be natural for me, right? Well, it hasn’t been. I have come to a realization: I have NEVER been completely unguarded, my defenses laid down, legs and heart both open with a man! Never. In fact, in all my conquests over the past two years since I separated from my ex I have taken pride, secretly delighted in my ability to cut a nuggah off and not develop some emotional attachment or addiction to him. Unlike some women, I can separate sex and love quite easily. Sure, there have been men who I have liked but none that I have wanted to become “my man”. So they could come, they could go and it was no thing. If I cut them off first, I felt empowered. The rare few that cut me off, my ego would be bruised for a while but then I knew I’d get over it because “I didn’t want him to be my man anyway”. They were all too something; too short, too lame, too bipolar, too broke or too controlling.....
I realize now that I too have control issues—with myself. I pride myself on being cool, calm, reserved and poised. I am not the type of woman to blow up your phone, come to your job and cuss you out, slash your tires or bust the windows out your car. The most you’ll get from me is ice-cold ignorance, a rolling of the eyes with an arrogant flair. I save my drama for the stage and not for my relationships. But I realize now that in some ways that is great, but in others I have walls up that are not allowing me to be completely open with a man. Even in choosing my husband, I chose someone who did not have such a stronghold on me that I’d lose control. I never allowed him to really permeate my being. There are in fact few, very few men for me that have struck that cord inside of me where my emotions were allowed to run their full course from bliss to pissed. And none of those ended well so herein lies why my wall is up. I think perhaps on some unconscious level I have allowed myself to fall for men that could not enter into a relationship with me so that I would not experience the lost of control.
I am now in a place where I am ready and beginning to experience openness—openness not just of the legs but the heart. I am now beginning to let the men who I am intimate with permeate me. My definition of love is not control or ownership; so I am also in a place where I am learning to love without placing boundaries on my beloved on who they can experience, as I desire the same. In this journey I have attracted men who see me and appreciate me. See me truly without makeup (what are we making up for?) and can pierce through my walls. A striking energy that can make love to my thoughts…….
I have attracted two men to learn from. There is “Jay”. When I first met Jay I completely put him in a box based on what he did for a living and the assumptions I made about his intelligence level. (I can be an arrogant ass!!) I agreed to go out with mostly because 1. He was tall 2. I deserved to be taken on a date by a man who finds me attractive and 3. Dates eat free!! He also sparked my attention because when we first met, I believed myself to be looking a hot mess! I was literally wearing my pajama pants and a t-shirt. When I noticed him looking at me, I couldn’t believe he was serious. After we went out for the first time, I asked him if he really was attracted to me in my pjs. In his sexy Jamaican accent he told me some story of how when he was younger, a woman told him “if you really want to know if a woman is beautiful, look at her first thing in the morning….. “ That was all she wrote...
So within Jay, I have found a deeper connection than I anticipated. He has a way of reading me that is kind of unnerving. He dreams shit like me and guessed that I was married when I had not told him a thing about that. I get the feeling that I cannot hide with him and have to become open despite my normal pattern of simply dangling my feet from my wall…….
Then there is “Andre”. Andre is also tall! I connect with him in an intellectual, spiritual and sensual way. Unlike Jay, who told me I was “fucking crazy “when I told him I believed in open relationships, Andre is a believer in open relating like me. We have a lot in common like teaching and having been married. With him it is refreshing to have conversations on a shared level of desire for conscious expansion and judgment free sensuality. He is one of the few men that I have met who is vibrating at the same frequency as me. And in truth, nothing gets me more open with a man than a conversation about the esoteric; throw some tantra in there and I’m yours!
I am enjoying these connections and looking forward to how they will grow me. As I open up for the very first time, I drop my need and desire to be in control and welcome the vulnerability of climbing down from my wall.
