Love and Sex

So there’s this hormone that is released when you have sex with someone called oxytocin. It is a bonding hormone. It is the same hormone that is released when a mother nurses her baby. Scientists theorize that prehistorically the hormone helped ensure the survival of the baby by bonding the two parents together; that a child would have more chances of living if it was raised by two parents. So nature has wired us to link love, sex and babies. I also read that repeated sex with the same person also increases the release of the hormone. So, sometime around the fourth time knocking boots, a bond is really cemented.  Women are often seen as not being able to separate love from sex. Time and time again I have seen chicks get turned out if a man puts it on them right. But I too have seen the reverse though men show it differently. The fusion of love and sex for women becomes, “I want you to be my man. ” We want a title, a badge that can be worn on our chest and shown to everyone that says “He’s With Me!!” In my observation, for men it seems much more about cock control. “You betta not be fucking nobody else!” They want exclusive access to your pussy despite in many cases whatever they might be doing on the side to taste the spice of life.  I don’t think it is possible to have long term casual sex and somebody or both parties not start feeling the effects of the oxytocin (This is why many men hit it and quit). However, let us question, once we start catching those feelings, how do we manage it?

Our concept of love or “bonding” is often associated with ownership. We want to have royalties on our loved one, exclusive rights to distribution. He better not even think about another woman! She better not be letting some other dude feel on her booty! Why? Be cause you are mine! You belong to me! Why do we think this way? Because the thought of our lover being with someone else sends us reeling over the edge like Thelma and Louise. But is this really about our lover or is this about us? In truth, it has nothing to do with our lover. One word for the culprit of our controlling love police: EGO. Why does it rip me to shreds to think about you with someone else? Because if you need someone else than it means I am not enough and truth is, me not being enough is my greatest fear. Is she prettier than me? Have a bigger ass? A better cook? Does he fuck better than I do? Does he have more money? A better job? A hotter car? (in New York, does he have a car period?) All fear thoughts that put us on this cycle of policing our lovers to make sure they do not show us what we fear most of all: that we are not enough. Truth is you are everything and yet you are nothing. No one person can be the “be all end all” for anyone. Many people go on a search for someone who can be that, but they will never find it. So your lover can never be the “end all” for you, and you can never be the “end all” for them. Period. 

I call this kind of love Lower Self Love. We all go through it, in truth we have to. As soon as we meet someone we really like, we desire to possess and control that person. That oxytocin starts kicking and we become addicted to how they make us feel. It is like we are an empty tank and we fill up with energy while we are around them. When we leave them, we still experience that high, until the energy slowly starts to dwindle down and down until it is gone. Then we starting feening for another hit of that person. So much that we begin to associate the feeling purely with that person and then in turn want to control them; not knowing that the energy is residing within us. The other person is the catalyst but you are fully capable of experiencing this bliss any time you want. In truth, we were made to connect and bond with others and I guess that is why these hormones exist anyway. The problem just becomes when we try to possess and control the other person and forget that we must also be full with our own energy. The energy of two full beings coming together can change the world!

This of course is a journey. Ego is evolving and we must experience Lower-Self type of love in order to experience Higher-Self Love. In my opinion, Higher-Self Love goes a little like this:

Dear Beloved:

I love YOU! I LOVE you! I LOVE YOU! I do not desire to posses or control you. You are not an object for me to manipulate. I trust you and respect your journey. I trust God/the Universe to be conspiring for my best interest by bringing you into my life. I know you have come to teach me something about myself and I have come to teach you. I fully enjoy being in your presence and I learn a great deal. However, I do not turn you into my savior. My entire experience in the world helps me to evolve but you, my intimate partner play a very special role. For it is you that reflects back to me my deepest Self. You help me to clean out from under the bed of my Self so that I can grow. I cherish each and every moment we spend together for it is truly a reflection of the Divine’s love for me.

**We teach that which we most need to learn so forgive me if I sound preachy. In sharing with you, I am sharing with myself for these are lessons that I too am learning. May we all love from our Higher Self. Ashe.

River Walking aka Ready for My Man....

I really try not to have all these blogs be about men but oh well!! My relationships are my reflection so I guess it’s about me anyway. And in fact, there is only One so when yall reading about me, you’re reading about yourself too! So I have decided that I want to be in a relationship. I know I posted a blog previously called, “Why I Need a Man” about me needing masculine energy balance in my life and even one called, “On Being Open” about me beginning to cultivate vulnerability. But the feeling that this blog is coming out of is different and new. In fact, I only made the decision 3 weeks ago that I am actually ready for a relationship.

For the last three years I have enjoyed not being anyone’s woman and not “belonging” to anyone. (Well there is that one last legal stipulation I’m still working on that says I’m someone’s wife. It’s hard to fund a divorce by yourself so I’ m accepting donations. If I get 700 people to donate a dollar or 350 people to donate 2 dollars I’ll be at the lawyer’s office in a jiffy! ) I have enjoyed my freedom of moving in and out of connections and taking a break when I needed to clear the energy. I have lavished in dating and enjoyed my frivolous playing in the field. However, something unexpected happened three weeks back….

 I am a theatre teacher and approximately three weeks ago came my end of the year production where I single handedly coordinated and directed close to one hundred kids in a show. It is one of the most intensely stressful and equally rewarding experiences I have all year. For at least two weeks before the show, I run around like a headless chicken barking at 12 and 13 year olds, buying costumes and coordinating dance rehearsals with little boys who want to “dougie” and “catdaddy”. So the show is up and running, going great. My students are performing myths, resurrecting Ike and Tina Tuner’s “Proud Mary” and executing scenes from Lorraine Hansberry’s “A Raisin in the Sun”. It was a great success! At the end of the night, I got kudos from my colleagues and principal and I finally exhaled. Then something strange happened as I was walking back to my classroom that evening to pack and go home. My consciousness witnessed a thought that kind of went like this:

Thought: Wow, your show was a great success, wouldn’t it be wonderful to share it with somebody else?

Me: Excuse me? It was shared, with like three hundred parents and kids.

Thought: You know that’s not what I mean. Someone to share in your success and support you.

Me: Like a ……aaaaaa???

Me and Thought: A man!  (gasp)

Me: Really? You want a man, like a boyfriend?

Thought: Yes, Shepsa. You deserve a mate, a partner. Somebody to support you and be by your side.

Me: Damn….I think you’re right.

So this was a new thought, a new conversation I was having with myself. I could feel the air around me longing to be filled with a presence. Now, I have previously thought long and hard about exactly what I am looking for in a man. I made the list years ago and now have it memorized. But this was the first time I have actually articulated a real desire for “him” to manifest. This desire crept up on me like a bandit and I was the unsuspecting mark but now it is here; taking up residence and getting comfortable…..

As a juju woman, it is only befitting that I harness my magical powers to aide in this process. I have begun river walking, a ritual I read about in Kenya K. Steven’s book, “Change Your Man”. Go check it out yourself and be transformed! There is an ancient Yoruba Goddess of the rivers named Oshun who’s domain is beauty, sensuality and love and it is to She I am making my petition.  I am excited about this process and the fact that my subconscious has articulated that it is ready to begin some real work, cause that’s what relationships are about. I do plan to keep my work real sweet so the honey in my pot will always be brewing J.

As a matter of fact, I am going to speak to “him” as if he is already here (and who knows, he might be).

Hey sweet and sexy. Wow, when I look at you, I see the best in me. You challenge me to live my best life now and keep my keenly aware of the fact that we are both Divine. You are knowledgeable, well spoken, creative and can wrestle with me mentally. But you are so dope, that you’re not all brains and stoic spirituality but you know how to have fun too! We have a ball together and when we dance, the world disappears inside of us. I love making love to you and in fact, it is the most intense pleasure I have ever known. You are honest, responsible, trustworthy, loyal and a great provider. I also love how we define for ourselves the structure of our relationship and do not let society dictate to us how our love should go. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you love me from the fabric of my being in the same way I love you. You also love my son and are a great example of manhood for him. We are purpose partners and co-create major movements that shift this world. We share a passion for Afrikan people, culture and history and progressively move toward creating a better future now. You are truly a wonderful person and we grow together each day. I love you blissfully, can’t wait till you get home tonight!

ASHE! And so it is!!