And the tree said, “I wish I could give you something-----but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump…”. I know we all read Shel Silverstein’s book, “The Giving Tree” in elementary school. Spoiled little white boy comes and visits and takes from the tree year after year from childhood to old age. He plays in the tree’s limbs, sleeps in its’ shade, takes the apples, chops down its’ branches to build a house and finally uses the trunk to build a boat. All the while the tree keeps giving and giving until it is sad because it has no more to give and all that is left is a stump. Well lately I’ve been feeling like that stump. I am tired of giving; I don’t want to become anybody’s old stump……
I am not usually one to complain or play the victim role---that is so not me at all. I take complete responsibility for my life and have been doing so since a very young age. I depend on no one---no doubt classic case of Super Black Woman syndrome learned from my mother. But this past week I have grown tired of this. I have been feeling very drained. Being a teacher and being a mother I recognize my attention is always going out to nurture, coach and develop someone else. Not just sometimes but everyday. Practically all day. When I get home from work I usually do not even sit down for two hours as I prepare dinner, wash dishes and give attention to my son. I know this is not just me, this is the life of many mothers—both single and married.
But now I am also recognizing a pattern with some of my friends and partners; folks dump their shit on me! Their problems, what they’re going through with their man or woman, their new ideas, projects etc. all lay at the foot of my tree. They probe me for my advice and ideas for their issues. I notice sometimes in conversations with others that the majority of it is about them and whatever they are going through. Even when I bring up my stuff, at times it is like they are not even listening. I know we all have friends like this, constantly caught in drama and we become part time counselors and psychologists. I know I now have to recognize my own co-creation in this, so here it is: I am the one who has created this stoic tree like image of myself!
I know in some ways I am more emotionally stable than most. I’m tooting my own horn perhaps but fuck it, it’s true. I know my strengths and weaknesses. My strength is being strong and my weakness is lack of vulnerability. I also recognize that a large part of me likes to help people. I chose to be a teacher and know that teaching is a major part of my destiny. But now I am taking a deep look at my motivations. Do I feel like I can help people because I secretly believe I am superior to them? Somehow I’m smarter, wiser than others? That’s ego. I think part of the persona I have created for myself is of one who is perfect and not easily bothered. In school, I prided myself on being a top student, the best creative writer and getting into a top university. These accolades became how I identified myself---I want to be the best in everything. So now, in my adult life everyone knows me to be pretty stable and successful because that is the image I have projected, one who has the answers. So it is this image that attracts people to come to me with their problems because apparently, I can handle it all. This is what I want everyone to think anyway…..
Well, I can’t handle it all, I’m tired. Give me back my branches, stay out my shade and don’t you dare cut down my trunk! I need to be nurtured gotdammit! I need to receive. So…….
Last week, after a long day at work when I did not have to go pick up my son, I went to the park to do a ritual. I did not plan on it but it just happened. I was feeling drained and the weather was beautiful but my inner world did not reflect the outer beauty. As I walked through the park, I began to feel drawn toward the trees. The dark green foliage suggested a coolness I longed for and the tall limbs reached out and over me; it’s leaves shimming and whispering in the breeze. I sat on a bench underneath a large oak atop a hill and began to breathe deeply. I visualized myself pulling in energy from the tree. There was so much energy in the park; all the trees seemed to rustle with my breath as it went in and out. I saw myself being bathed in a white light, the holes that I felt in my aura being patched up. I felt myself being fortified by basking in the strength and power of this immense, ancient aspect of nature. Even as I took from the tree inhaling the oxygen it exhaled, I knew I was giving back to it by breathing out the carbon dioxide it needed. As I sipped its’ life force energy, I acknowledged that one day my body will be returned to the earth to replenish its soil. As I felt rejuvenated by the tree, I received the sunlight that shone through its branches and allowed it to fill my open palms as if it was water. I took the energy from the sun and “washed” my face with it. I left three pennies at the foot of the tree and said a prayer of thanks as I departed….
So through this I have learned that there is no glory in being stoic, no joy in being able to “handle it all”. And there are times when I welcome being able to help others and there are times when I need to replenish and rejuvenate myself. Right now, I need some self nourishment so if you see me sitting under a tree, please know I am not crazy (I won’t be hugging the tree). I am just taking in some energy and hopefully, giving some back as well.
