Where's My Shit?!!

Where’s My Shit?!!

Ok, it’s been a really, really, really long time since my last blog! I haven’t published since April on this website, but I have been busy. This is what I’ve been up to: in May I had a show or performance practically every weekend, June was the last month of school and it was a mad dash to the last day, which in New York is damn near July 1^st!  Oh, and I published my poetry book! Get it here:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Goddess-Pages-Honey-Daggers/dp/1468577336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340679328&sr=8-1&keywords=shepsa 

I also took a spoken word performance workshop for 4 weeks with the amazing Lemon Andersen who was a part of the Tony award-winning cast of Def Poetry Jam on Broadway. Taking this class has inspired me to start writing my solo show, which has been on my brain since 1999!!! Also this past weekend, I was chosen to participate in the New York Foundation for the Arts', Artist as Entrepreneur Boot Camp at NYU. I got to learn about fun stuff like grant writing, branding and copyright law. So, yes I have been BUSY!!! It’s really, really amazing because all these things reflect one of my major goals for 2012, to be a successful artist and entrepreneur. After years of praying, hoping, and wanting, things are lining up in a major way. I can say I am both proud and thankful of what is happening in my life….So if all of these amazing things are popping off, why is this blog called, “Where’s My Shit?!!” 

Come on, you know what’s missing, get out the violin…..Where’s My Man!! WAAAHHHHAAAAA!!  (Rihanna voice: "I've been everywhere, looking for you babe...."). About a year ago, I wrote a blog called, “River Walking AKA Ready for My Man” in which I revealed how after years of enjoying being single, I wanted a relationship. I subsequently did ritual river walks to meditate and pray so I could attract my man to me. I would say it worked, sort of. I did attract somebody (well, I attracted somebodies lol) but there was one that stood out. I won’t rehash it all here but you can read some of the details in my last blog, “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.” After one last blow up in May, he told me that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I was cool with it because I realized he was absolutely right, though before I chose not to see it. He could not give me what I wanted and apparently, I couldn’t give him what he wanted either. Sweet, I learned a lot--peace be with you.

In the absence of that unnamed thing he and I had, of course I have attracted and dated others (I never stopped dating others really). Then a couple of weeks ago, one guy I’d been seeing broke my number one, unforgivable cardinal rule. The rule that my mama told me never to tolerate, he did a No Call No Show! Gasp! And I became flooded with all this anger built up from the ghost of men past. I started telling myself the story that men are unreliable. I even went through every man in my mind from my father to this lil’ twenty-one year old and I affirmed to myself, Men just don’t keep their word. All men do this! All men disappoint me!!! WAAAAHHHWAAAAHHHH!”

I was done!!! Hear me, DONE!!! But even as I was playing out this emotion, I knew the only place I could fix this is from within. So my girlfriends and I went to the beach. As a juju woman, I know the beach is a major source of healing. I believe we all know this ancient knowledge in our beings, which is why the shores are flooded with people every summer and folks go running to the islands to vacation. So I bought some blue flowers and went to the ocean to speak to the Mother spirit, some call her Yemaya, others call her Auset or Isis. 

I told her that I was frustrated with these impostor men. I asked her to heal whatever it was within me that attracted these unreliable men to me and to shift my perspective so that I stopped expecting to be disappointed by men.  She told me this,

“I am the mother of all. Everything is my child, all come from me. The tears you cry are not just from you, they are from your mother and her mother. Tears of disappointment about not getting what you want. Everyone will disappoint you. Only spirit will never disappoint. You are seeking because you know the true nature of your spirit is whole. Life is supposed to be fun and enjoyable but the desire is never for the thing but for completeness. Say this, ‘I am made whole by the being of my source and mother of all living things….” 

Yemaya’s words plus the feeling of the waves washing over me filled me with a sweet harmony; I was in tune with all happening outside and inside of me.  I took some ocean water back with me in a container so I could bathe with it for the next few days and continue to heal myself.

One thing I now recognize is all of this is a process. Being a goal-oriented person, I want my shit now! Especially when I see results in other areas of my life. But thanks to a conversation with a great coach and the words of Yemaya, I am reframing how I picture progress toward my goals.  I am becoming at peace with the process and ever expanding along the way. Ultimately, the only true relationship I control is the one I have with myself and it is from here that all others reflect and derive. 

Great video from Abraham Hicks about changing perspective about relationships..