Hindsight Is Clear As A Muthafucka!!

 

If I could backtrack to myself a year ago today, I would tell myself that it always gets better and not to shed one single tear of worry. Tears of release yes, tears of healing yes, tears of bliss yes, but not tears of distress or fear. This past year, I have learned to let go and release; that when you do, you open to the expansion that the universe has for you and it is always, always better than what you are letting go….

See about a year ago, I was spending time with someone who I really wanted to “be with”. Not that I thought he was “the one”, I let go of that concept a long time ago. I really admired and had a great time with him. He connected to a deep aspect of my soul and intellect that most men do not understand. But he was unavailable, to me any way. But apparently, I had some lessons to learn from this relationship (check my blog Mirror Mirror on the Wall for more details) because I carried on with him anyway. Long story short, I realized that his unavailability reflected my own belief about men not being able to show up for me. (You always attract what you are!) It took a lot of emotional turmoil, and release for me to break through that pattern, but I believe I’ve come out on the other side wiser, and grateful that he and I did not wind up together in the end. I am actually relieved! 

This September, as the Fall season is creeping in, I am becoming reflective, thinking about where I was a year ago and how I’ve grown. Last year around this time I had so much anxiety around this relationship. Are we going to be together? Are we not? Is he seeing other people? Does he really like me? All questions really rooted in fear and insecurity. I went through ten months of ups and downs trying to hold on and hoping that he would “choose me”.  As time went on, I started to really see and contemplate what I really want in a partner. Though my lover was awesome, there were some aspects of him that I truly did not want to be a part of my life.  I knew in the end, that he in fact could never truly satisfy me. I let him go. Of course though, when we release our emotional tension around something and stop trying to force results, it often comes back of it’s own accord. After letting him go, he has made attempts to hang out, have sex with me etc. and it feels great to say no. Not “no” because I want to be vindictive (though it does feel good, shit I’m human) but because I want and desire better. Matter of fact, I am getting better...

Since letting my lover go, I have had the chance to experience other men that feed me in rich and deep ways. Though my lover was intuitive and knowledgeable, he did not have a spiritual practice and often did not “get” why I did certain things. I met a young man recently who is cute, fun and has an active spiritual practice, in fact he can teach me some things (and he has, lol)! I realize now the beauty of having a deep spiritual connection with a partner. The lovemaking I experienced with him far surpasses any experience I’ve had with any other lover. When making love to him, I felt as if I was making love to myself, it was a dance in which there was no thought only the flow of energy. Being a student of tantra, I will often circulate energy between my lovers and I but with him, no effort was needed; energy circulated, spun, dipped and overflowed. It was AMAZING! 

In fact, every other man that I’ve experienced since letting go has been amazing in their own way. Every where I go men come to me desiring to take me out on dates, spend time with me, travel long distances to see me and give of themselves to me. Now, I could say this is because I’m cute or have a nice butt, however there are plenty of attractive women who unfortunately are alone. More than anything, it is the energy I feel that acts as a magnetic pull to what shows up in my life. I realized the affirmation, “This or something far greater,” is very true. Often times life is trying to expand us into something far greater and we are holding onto something old thinking, “This is it!” when in fact, it can always get BETTER! I refuse to bend myself out of shape ever again trying to force anything or anybody. I no longer believe in having a plan “B”, it is either plan “A” or “A+”!

Though my ex-lover is great and amazing, there are others out there who are far greater for me. If I had stayed shut down, thinking he was the end all--be all, I would  have never experienced the transformative love making of my new lover.  And guess what? If my new lover decides something else is better for him, then he too will be replaced by someone even BETTER than him for me and so on. (The thought of that really blows my mind cause he’s good! Lol!) I believe the Universe is planning for me to win! I believe that men are good and plentiful and everywhere I turn there is a man who wants to please me and give to me! I believe life is conspiring for my expansion and for me to live the greatest and fullest life possible! I know that is either this or something far greater!

 Great video from Abraham Hicks! 

There is never the lost of a relationship but the gaining of new one!