Had an AHA moment recently….these have be coming steadily this year as I’ve eased into 30. At first, I kind of dreaded having to close the door on my twenties, but now I am sitting comfortable and pretty in 30. (Sidebar: I’ve also been attracting younger men lately who all tell me in shock, “Wow! You look good for your age!” HA!) Anyway, as I ripen in age, I’ve realized something about myself that I need to lay to rest. A part of me, collecting dust over time and not holding much use. She has pigtails and a kool-aid smile. I call her “Good Girl” and this chick has to go!
It began for me as a child. You would have loved to have me as your daughter or student! I was quiet, dutiful and very smart. My mother loved to brag on me too, “Yes, Tameka is ALWAYS on the honor roll! She never gets anything less than a B!”I loved standing out for doing “the right thing”. I loved getting attention for being right so I worked really, really hard at being the best good girl around. My teachers said go to college, so I went. Not only did I go, I went to one of the best and most expensive colleges around, NYU. Preacher said that Jesus said don’t have sex unless you’re married, so I stayed a virgin a long ass time and married the first man I had sex with!
I was driven by a need to be recognized as “good” in the eyes of others and also to master whatever the standard for good was. I’m a Pisces so we have this uncanny ability to melt and merge with others, which is why we make such great actors and artists. The issue comes when we are so busy merging and melting, that we loose sight of what we want….
This really came to heads for me when I was trying to decide to leave my marriage. I was looking for some outside authority to tell me that it was ok. What if I made a mistake? What if I ruined my life and even worst, my son’s? What if I am WRONG! Gasp! This good girl cannot be wrong! I’ve always gotten it right! I cannot tell you how many spiritual readings I had trying to get a clue into my decision. Every oracle, medium pointed the divination back to me. It is up to you, they said. You must decide and once you decide the great forces around you will back up your decision. Hunh? How could this be? I was looking for someone else to tell me, some textbook, some scripture to let me know what to do. But it could not…
So, for the first time I was forced to not be “good” but just be true…So, that was three years ago and I made the right decision for me. However, lately I’ve been noticing how I still have some of this “good girl” complex and a fear of getting it wrong. This complex has had me running around thinking it’s about reading this book or taking this class or following what the 'great-so and so' said. Whatever system I plug myself into, I go hard and try to perfect it to a T…Afterall, shining and being the best has always gotten me the limelight….But no more. I no longer care if I get it wrong, or if anyone else agrees. Fact is, I can’t get it wrong; it’s life and everything is a new experience to learn from.
So I’ve decided to the kill the good girl. Yup, this goody-two shoes bitch got to go! I kill the need to seek authorities outside of myself and for others to validate what I am doing. Yes, I will continue to take in information, seek elders, read books etc. but I will always ask myself what do I think, what is it I want. I will be the final authority over what is going on in my life. I will not try and fit some mold and be “perfect” within it. I will not bend to the expectations of what others think I should be.
It is so refreshing not to feel bound to a group or a single ideology of what one should or should not do. Today, I spent time walking through the mall and thought honestly about what I like.... I like to wear tights and I’m going to buy me some with leopard print. I like vegetarian food and being a “granola” but I will eat me a reese’s cup if I want to. I love the arts and being an artist but don’t think it is particularly creative to starve. I will make lots of money from my art. I love my juju-vodu-law-of-attraction-what-the-fuck-is-she-talking-about-mumbo-jumbo and it's fine if you don't get it or believe in it.....I will do a photoshoot...in the nude. I will talk about Harriet Tubman and sex in the same sentence. I am creating my own rules and will bend or break them as I please.
Dance to my new theme song!
